family – queenremsspoetry

I know you love me

I’m not disputing the fact that you do

But are you to blind to see

That you both are hurting me

The fact that you weren’t together was a problem for me

Growing up and having to learn basically everything on my own

When I had my period for the first time mum I was scared

I thought I was bleeding and going to die

I didn’t fit in while in high school

I got made fun of at some point

I went home to cry in the living room with my uniform on

I listened to benediction by August Alsina

While every minute a different suicide thought crossed through my mind

I was in pieces

But dad all you cared about was my little weight and called me obese

little bad grades at the beginning of high school you called me a dullard

All I wanted was for you to tell me that there was literally nothin wrong with me and that I was okay

I went to school everyday feeling different than the others

I did try to commit suicide a few times

You saved me from drowning didn’t you ?

Why?

Why bring me back into a world where I’m filled with the “I will never be enough mentality”

I still asked myself when would this be over finally

Mum you thought me never to cry in public

Never be soft

Fake it

Be strong

Don’t show weakness

All these tears that i hoard where do I keep them?

All the burden that I carry around where do I let them go ?

What am I supposed to do now that I’m not allowed to shed the emotions away from my body

Why do I have to blur out my pain with the use of alcohol

I know you miss my dad

Stop pretending that you are strong

Because we are just alike

I hurt too

And I smoke now too mum

I guess I turned out alright

Everyone thinks I’m tough

I faked it

I’m into girls mum

I still lie sometimes that I’m totally straight

I’m faking it

I know you want me to be all the best I could ever be for a man to marry me

I’m sorry mum I just might be a disappointment after all

Dad I know you wouldn’t be surprised

It is as expected of me

A big disappointment of a child

When i think of the future

I go blank

Sometimes it feels as though this suffering might end soon

I hope I find love

I hope I find happiness

I love you both

But you have never for once known me

Maybe to you mum I’m just a soft little girl

And maybe best known to you dad as just

A big disappointment

Do you ever feel hated ?

I mean really feel like you’re not wanted

And don’t mean anything to the people you thought meant the world to you

And this time I’m not talking about love and emotions between two lovers

I’m talking about family

Have you ever felt like you’re not just good enough?

And everyday you feel like there’s nothing you could ever do to be that superstar

And then you see yourself standing afar when you should’ve been close enough

And things don’t matter anymore

You give up on them

And you give up on yourself

Then when you try ending your life they act like they care

And just when they see you doing good

And being all happy again

They make you go through the same emotionally draining cycle

my heart is bleeding

And some how I feel like there isn’t any blood left enough to live through this misery too

Trust me I feel the same way

You’re tired of looking too perfect?

Everyone else wishing they’d be like you

But in your mind you know you’re rejecting it on their behalf ?

This might be the worst shit you’d ever read

But never trust a love that comes after you survive suicide or depression

It is fake

They’re only doing it not to feel responsible for your death

Don’t die but pls don’t live for them either

I love you

Love yourself too.