I know you love me
I’m not disputing the fact that you do
But are you to blind to see
That you both are hurting me
The fact that you weren’t together was a problem for me
Growing up and having to learn basically everything on my own
When I had my period for the first time mum I was scared
I thought I was bleeding and going to die
I didn’t fit in while in high school
I got made fun of at some point
I went home to cry in the living room with my uniform on
I listened to benediction by August Alsina
While every minute a different suicide thought crossed through my mind
I was in pieces
But dad all you cared about was my little weight and called me obese
little bad grades at the beginning of high school you called me a dullard
All I wanted was for you to tell me that there was literally nothin wrong with me and that I was okay
I went to school everyday feeling different than the others
I did try to commit suicide a few times
You saved me from drowning didn’t you ?
Why?
Why bring me back into a world where I’m filled with the “I will never be enough mentality”
I still asked myself when would this be over finally
Mum you thought me never to cry in public
Never be soft
Fake it
Be strong
Don’t show weakness
All these tears that i hoard where do I keep them?
All the burden that I carry around where do I let them go ?
What am I supposed to do now that I’m not allowed to shed the emotions away from my body
Why do I have to blur out my pain with the use of alcohol
I know you miss my dad
Stop pretending that you are strong
Because we are just alike
I hurt too
And I smoke now too mum
I guess I turned out alright
Everyone thinks I’m tough
I faked it
I’m into girls mum
I still lie sometimes that I’m totally straight
I’m faking it
I know you want me to be all the best I could ever be for a man to marry me
I’m sorry mum I just might be a disappointment after all
Dad I know you wouldn’t be surprised
It is as expected of me
A big disappointment of a child
When i think of the future
I go blank
Sometimes it feels as though this suffering might end soon
I hope I find love
I hope I find happiness
I love you both
But you have never for once known me
Maybe to you mum I’m just a soft little girl
And maybe best known to you dad as just
A big disappointment
queenremsspoetry 