Today I remember all the things that broke me
All the hatred that built me
The sadness that overwhelmed me
My first attempt
Today I stare at my scars
I remember the stitches
Somehow I managed to put it aside
But today I and my pain lay side by side
Today I’m weak
Today, the second day of the week
I hope I try surviving
It’s hard to live when you are me
In my body
Walking in my damn shoes
It’s hard today
Tomorrow
And another today
I’m only waiting for a miracle
Or I might leave silently.
I know you love me
I’m not disputing the fact that you do
But are you to blind to see
That you both are hurting me
The fact that you weren’t together was a problem for me
Growing up and having to learn basically everything on my own
When I had my period for the first time mum I was scared
I thought I was bleeding and going to die
I didn’t fit in while in high school
I got made fun of at some point
I went home to cry in the living room with my uniform on
I listened to benediction by August Alsina
While every minute a different suicide thought crossed through my mind
I was in pieces
But dad all you cared about was my little weight and called me obese
little bad grades at the beginning of high school you called me a dullard
All I wanted was for you to tell me that there was literally nothin wrong with me and that I was okay
I went to school everyday feeling different than the others
I did try to commit suicide a few times
You saved me from drowning didn’t you ?
Why?
Why bring me back into a world where I’m filled with the “I will never be enough mentality”
I still asked myself when would this be over finally
Mum you thought me never to cry in public
Never be soft
Fake it
Be strong
Don’t show weakness
All these tears that i hoard where do I keep them?
All the burden that I carry around where do I let them go ?
What am I supposed to do now that I’m not allowed to shed the emotions away from my body
Why do I have to blur out my pain with the use of alcohol
I know you miss my dad
Stop pretending that you are strong
Because we are just alike
I hurt too
And I smoke now too mum
I guess I turned out alright
Everyone thinks I’m tough
I faked it
I’m into girls mum
I still lie sometimes that I’m totally straight
I’m faking it
I know you want me to be all the best I could ever be for a man to marry me
I’m sorry mum I just might be a disappointment after all
Dad I know you wouldn’t be surprised
It is as expected of me
A big disappointment of a child
When i think of the future
I go blank
Sometimes it feels as though this suffering might end soon
I hope I find love
I hope I find happiness
I love you both
But you have never for once known me
Maybe to you mum I’m just a soft little girl
And maybe best known to you dad as just
A big disappointment
It’s been a while I went to church
It’s been a while I spoke to God
I don’t chose to be far away
But I have no choice but to be
Seems like it’s the only way
Sometimes I want to have conversation with God
I want to know if it’s true
All I’ve been hearing about him turning His back against girls and boys like me
They say God doesn’t love us
That we are abominations
That we don’t deserve your love and kindness
That you’d never listen to us
Is it true ?
I’ve always wanted to know
I want to stop feeling guilty anytime I call on you to provide me a loving girlfriend who will open doors to unbelievable dreams I thought never existed
Or calling on you to take away my depression
Is it wrong ?
I stayed away from church for so long
They make me feel like an outcast
They call me a sinner and a product of satan indirectly
I hate the pretense
It’s disgusting that I have to sit there and act like I’m okay with it
With people spiting me
I’m not welcomed there
They judge people like me
It’s all in our favor that the pandemic caused a suspension on churches
And I would not accept the fact that they say your love does not get to people like me
The amazing people you created
They say we are mentally deranged
Millions of us ?
you created us so didn’t you give us the ability to feel ?
Why are we so many
Are millions of us walking around mentally deranged ?
Mentally deranged for loving who we love ?
For living our truth and being happy ?
Tell me
I need answers
Who made this rule
Who wrote the Bible
Why did they do this to us
What if ?
Just what if ?
Religion is the only problem standing in our way
It’s been only a day
And all I can think about is you
The softness of your lips
The softness of your hair
And the softness of your body on mine
The scent off your body forms a never ending imagination in my head
I form these crazy hallucinations of you in my bed
I wonder if you’d ever really be mine
Or I’ll be stuck with all I have of you
These memories that I’d keep for as long as I wait till you want me
A part of me tells me your heart is with someone else
And it hurts that I have to hide the way I feel about you
Some day I hope you’d feel the same too
Love is crazy
Isn’t it ?
Do you ever feel hated ?
I mean really feel like you’re not wanted
And don’t mean anything to the people you thought meant the world to you
And this time I’m not talking about love and emotions between two lovers
I’m talking about family
Have you ever felt like you’re not just good enough?
And everyday you feel like there’s nothing you could ever do to be that superstar
And then you see yourself standing afar when you should’ve been close enough
And things don’t matter anymore
You give up on them
And you give up on yourself
Then when you try ending your life they act like they care
And just when they see you doing good
And being all happy again
They make you go through the same emotionally draining cycle
my heart is bleeding
And some how I feel like there isn’t any blood left enough to live through this misery too
Trust me I feel the same way
You’re tired of looking too perfect?
Everyone else wishing they’d be like you
But in your mind you know you’re rejecting it on their behalf ?
This might be the worst shit you’d ever read
But never trust a love that comes after you survive suicide or depression
It is fake
They’re only doing it not to feel responsible for your death
Don’t die but pls don’t live for them either
I love you
Love yourself too.
I want a taste of it
A taste of pineapple
It’d taste better coming from you
I’d sneak in leave no traces maybe
But your neighbors might call that you screamed my name too loud
It would work but you can’t get it with no sound
gasp for breath while I choke you
I promise it won’t hurt
Scratch on my back while I pierce you
I promise you would vibrate
Look into my eyes while I satisfy myself with your beauty and just how perfectly shaped your lips are
Kiss me one more time
Remind me that I’m vulnerable to you
Whisper in my ear that you love me
Call me your super hero
And boost my ego
Give me a hickey
As takeaway
I wanna go home stare at it in my mirror
And smile before I go to bed
Affect my sleep with the thoughts of your body
Disrupt my thoughts with the perfect scent of your body
Now I don’t want to have breakfast
All I want is you
There’s no better food I’d rather have
They tasted so good
Now I don’t want anything else
But the pineapple from beneath your skirt
let’s do this tomorrow
Same time ?
I sneak out
I’d risk getting the virus
Just for pineapples.
I can’t sleep
You hurt me deep
Now I can’t sleep
All I remember is our skin to skin
The warmth of your body on mine
who am I to deny
That you are in my every thought
Who could have ever thought
That as toxic as you are for me
I still can’t sleep
Thinking of you
And the lies that I miss
I can’t sleep
Hope you’re sleepless because of me too
That’s all I need to know
You are my beloved sorrow
But I’ll take what I get
Even if it’s half of you
I’ll take this love untrue
Goodnight my boo.
As soon as I set my eyes on you
I felt a connection
More like female domination
Over my heart
I’ve always wanted you from the start
let me be your mat
Lay over me with your naked body
Not just for sexual desires
But to feel your soul connect with mine
And hear every beat of your heart
Give me hickeys
So I’d have a reason to stare at my body
For as long as I have them
I’d never for once stop thinking of you
Stare at me once more while I moan
Your eyes are my paradise
This isn’t a game of dice
There are no odds
I savored every moment I had with you
I can’t seem to get the scent of your neck out of my mind
I remember it every time I think of you
Never felt a love so true
I can’t do no wrong when it comes to you
You are all that I want regardless of what the world wants
They are not us and there are no buts
Just the guts
To love each other and drop a bit of every color of our rainbow everywhere we go
You are all I know
You make me grow
you’re like water ever quenching the pain of the fire inside of me
but this time soothing me well enough not to put out my light but to soften my pain
You are like rain
Watering my heart
So my love for you grows
You’re beautiful inside and out
I love a girl I’d shout
Without doubt
Love is love.
queenremsspoetry 